All Or Nothing
by your21
Summary: Post Paternity. Two years later, Elliot is still with Kathy and everything as appears is fine, but there's something going on behind the scenes of their relationship. Elliot is having an affiar.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, this is my _very_ first SVU fan fiction. My friend, Tommys My 21 , introduced me to the show. I haven't seen _all_ of the episodes, but I've seen enough to know I want Elliot and Olivia to get married and have some babies and live happily ever after. _(Oh and Kathy? Well let's just I want her to "disappear") _So here I am, writing an E/O fan fiction. The lyrics below are from the song "All Or Nothing" by O-Town, and I think it fits this fan fiction perfectly. **This chapter is in Olivia's POV. The next chapter will be in Kathy's POV. I will be doing this with every chapter, switching back and forth on POVs. **I promise the future chapters will be longer.

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**All Or Nothing**

**Chapter One: Ultimatum**

"_**I've had the rest of you, now I want the best of you. I don't care if that's not fair. Cause I want it all, or nothing at all. There's nowhere left to fall, when you reach the bottom it's now or never."**_

I don't know when or how it happened. But one day it did. One day, I became "the other woman". I told myself I wouldn't sink this low _just_ to be with him. How can I do this to Kathy? Mind you, she's not my favorite person in the world, but it's wrong. For crying out loud, the man has a wife and children! What the hell am I doing?

I know what you're thinking. _Home wrecker. Slut. Whore. Bitch._ Or maybe you think I'm one of those women who _need_ a man. I'm really not, though. I'm pretty dependent. You kind of have to be when you're in my career path. Not to mention, after living the life I have. Believe it or not, I just lost it. I lost my self-control and he was there. He offered his love up to me, the love we both know has always been there, and I couldn't push it away; I couldn't push him away.

Someone told me, it's dumb to play the role of the other woman. Not only are you hurting the wife, but you're hurting yourself. They said, that even if he chooses you, there's nothing stopping him from cheating on you.

They were right. But for some reason, here I am in my bedroom, looking up at the white ceiling. I expect it to cave in and punish me for my sins. The guilt is so heavy, but the pleasure so great.

I feel him wrap his arms around me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I feel so sick with myself that I could throw up. _Maybe if I did that, I could rid myself of whatever sickness it is that I have. Whatever it is that is wrong inside me that is making me do this._

"What's wrong?" he asks.

I turn around and look at him. I muster up the fakest smile I can and say, "Nothing at all".

My heart is breaking inside. I hate lying to him. I want to tell him how wrong what we're doing is. But he already knows this. I know it's tearing him up inside and breaking his faith, not only his faith to his wife, but to God. He seems so happy here right now, but he's _just_ like me. He's broken. He's tainted. He's confused and lost.

What have we done to ourselves?

"Liv, tell me, what is it?" he asks. "I can see it in your eyes. You have that distant look again. It's like you're somewhere else."

I want to tell him. I want so badly to. But even more, I don't want to hurt him anymore than he is.

His cell phone rings. I watch him wrap the sheet around his naked body and grab the phone. "Kathy?" he says. "Yeah, sorry. I just got caught up here at work. I'll be home as soon as possible."

My stomach does flips inside me. Kathy's little phone calls ruin everything. She reminds me every time, without even knowing it, that Elliot is _not_ mine. He will _never_ be mine. He _belongs_ to her.

"Okay, yeah. I'll pick some up on my way home. Love you," He turns off the phone and starts getting dressed.

_Love you. Love you. Love you._ Why did he have to say that? And _here?_ He swears its not true, but that's hard to believe when he is rushing to get dressed just so he can see her. He could've lied. He could've said he still had work to do. He could've came back in bed and kissed me until I fell asleep. Then leave me.

"Sorry," he says, "I got to go."

"Goodbye," I say. I wait for him to say that he loves me, but he doesn't. He is in such a hurry. And as his hands reach the doorknob, a bitter side of me escapes. "Tell _Kathy_ hi for me." I say in sarcastic, bitter tone of voice.

He lets go of the door knob. "That was uncalled for." He says it a voice so strong and commanding, like he is some god floating high above me.

My eyes break and I feel even worse. "Sorry," I say, "I just don't know how much longer I can do this, Elliot."

"I told you. I can't divorce her." He leans his head down and rubs his forehead. "Trust me, I want to. But I don't know how much more these kids can handle."

"I don't know how much more I can handle."

And there it was. The ultimatum of a lifetime. _Who do you choose? Who do you want?_ No, my eyes aren't asking him to give up his kids, but they are begging him to stay away unless I can have _all _of him.

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Reviews? Let me know how I'm doing :)


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry for the wait guys. The song lyrics in here are from "New Favorite" by Alison Krauss. This is in Kathy's POV. It was beta read by Tommys My 21. Enjoy :)

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"_**New favorite. They all say it. I'll say it too. You've got a new favorite. ...Why do you lie about love? I saw the light go out."**_

I hang up the phone. Why does he even bother to tell me that he loves me? I think we both know it's not true. If he really loved me, he wouldn't tense up when I wrap my arms around him, when he gets home from work. He wouldn't get this painful look in his eye when I kissed his cheek. He wouldn't be out so late, either.

I can see the signs. I am not stupid. He comes home smelling of honeysuckles, jasmine, and sweat. I know he is cheating on me. _And he calls himself a Catholic,_ I roll my eyes.

"You love me," I laugh to an almost empty house. Eli is in bed sleeping like the baby he is, Maureen is at college, Kathleen and the others are spending the night at their friends house.

I wonder who she is and what she looks like? Is she skinny with perfect hair and big boobs? Does she make love to him better than I? All my old insecurities I haven't heard from since high school came back with a vengeance. _Does he love her more than he loves me?_

I push these thoughts away. I try to be a mother and a wife; a _happy_ one. I asked Elliot to bring home some groceries on his way home: milk, chocolate, diapers (I'm putting off potty training Eli as long as possible. Trust me, boys can be such a pain to potty train.), and some toilet paper. I've been too busy being a mother, that I haven't had much time to go shopping.

Kathleen is preparing for college, which means I have to plan all the financial aspects. She will be living on campus for the first semester to see how she likes it. I don't know what its going to be like with her gone, but I know I'm not ready for it.

See, Kathleen is the oldest in the house now. She's seeing all the signs that I am. Of course, these 'signs' of her father's betrayal goes unspoken between us both. Our souls whisper to each other, though. Comforting whispers of how we must be mistaken, because Elliot isn't that kind of guy. He can't be. But he is. That's why Kathleen has been finding ways to distract me from the unspoken. Shopping, movies, college-talk, anything to spare me of a moments suffering. But her thoughtful distractions will soon be gone.

I start turning off all of the lights in the house. I'm not sure if I can stand to see Elliot's face right now. His fake reassuring smile, that whispers _'honey, I'm not cheating on you, promise!'_. I rather be in bed pretending to be asleep than see that horrible smile. It's routine, you know? He says 'Honey, I'm home', smiles as I approach, asks where the kids are because he doesn't listen to me when I say they have a sleep over or something to go to, and then he says he's tired. He goes to bed without touching me.

It's funny. I'm married to what I thought was my dream guy, I have plenty of kids, and live in a decent house...but I'm unbearably lonely. I am empty inside.

I find my way to our bedroom and take off my clothes. They are stained with jelly, peanut butter, dust, milk, and cleaning products. I walk my way to my dresser drawer and pull out some flannel pajamas. Why bother dressing up sexy? If I'm not getting any, I might as well be comfortable.

I've been playing detective lately. Each night before I go to bed, I take mental notes of things. I search for evidence in his pockets, clothes, and cell phone. I must admit, my husband is very crafty. He's careful to make sure there are no strands of hair stuck to his clothing. No lipstick stains. He deletes all his voicemail's. Anything that would lead me to the suspect. The only evidence he gives me is _her_ smell. It seems so familiar, yet I can't place my finger on it. I've smelled her before, but who is she?

Obviously, the _other_ woman, must be someone from his work. Olivia is my prime suspect, of course. I've read enough trashy, suspense romance novels to know it's usually the partner that the man falls for. The one he works closest too. However, I can't be sure. Not until I see her again. Not until I look into her eyes, and discover what secrets may be lying there.

I hear the door open. I wrap the covers around my head and push my face hard into the pillow. I try to make my breathing slow and sleeplike. "Honey, I'm home!" he says out loud. I keep my eyes closed and my mouth shut. I hear his footsteps. By now, he is turning on the lights and realizing the house is empty. Soon, he will go check Eli to make sure everything is alright. And then, then... he will quietly get dressed, take a shower, and slip into bed with me.

I hope I'm asleep before his body slightly brushes against mine, as he slides underneath the blankets. Despite myself, my heart leaps when he does. For a second I think it's his hands caressing me. Then I realize, we don't touch each other anymore. He doesn't love me anymore.

I can feel my eyes get heavy. My busy day is catching up with me and soon I no longer have to fake being asleep. I see my dark eyelids fill with images.

_Olivia is holding Eli. She has a beautiful Claddagh wedding ring on her finger. "Give me back my baby," I say We are at Central Park, but its empty. Its just the Oliver, me, and my baby. "Give him back!" I try again. She just laughs at me, "He's not your son, anymore, Kathy." _

_I want to strangle her. I run up to fight for my young, but something stops me. Something grabs onto my shoulder. It hurts. I see blood and realize it isn't a hand holding me back, but rather the sharp pain of a bullet. I turn around to see my shooter._

"_Honey. Honey." He says, "Why don't you wake up?"_

My eyes flicker open and I see Elliot hovering over me. "What?" I snap.

"You were shouting. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine." I sigh and start pushing the blankets off my body. I'm covered in sweat.

"You sure?" his eyes are full of concern, which annoys me.

"Yes, Elliot, I'm _fine"_

"Okay, if you say so."

I want to yell at him. I want to tell him that I'm not really fine. I want to tell him about my dream and threaten him to stop cheating on me. I almost gather the courage to do so and risk everything I know, but Eli cries out.

We both rush to see what has happened. He must've just woke up. "Did you have a nightmare, sweetie?" I ask as I pick him up. He nods his little head.

"It's okay," I whisper. _Me too._


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry for the update wait! Anyway, big thanks to Tommys My 21 for beta reading and helping me with names :) Lyrics below are "Stay" by Sugarland. Oh, and in case you forgot: this chapter is in Olivia's POV.

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**_"It's just another call from home, and you'll get it and be gone. And I'll be cryin'. And I'll be beggin' you, baby, beg you not to leave. But I'll be left here waitin', with my heart on my sleeve"_**

"Okay, Cory, tell me what happened. What did he do to you?' I ask the battered woman before me. She has bruises circling her bloodshot eyes, her lips are chapped but covered with tears, and her body shaking. I push a small glass of water in front of her and wait patiently for her to retell a painful story to me.

"He raped me." She sighs, "How many times do I have to go over this?"

"I understand this is hard for you. I need to know exactly what happened though, in order for me to help you."

She takes a deep breath and grabs the glass of water. Her lips are trembling as she takes a sip. "I went to hand in my essay about Romeo and Juliet. I couldn't make it to class that day, because I had a doctor appointment. Anyway, he said he had a book he thought I'd like. Said it was in his car..." her body tenses up and she clasps her hands together, "I was stupid enough to follow him. How could I be so stupid? He'd been flirting with me ever since I entered his class! But, I don't know, he's my teacher, so I trusted him."

Cory was a twenty year old college student and last night her English professor raped her. Seeing the young girl so traumatized made my stomach churn. These things never get easier.

"Then what?" I coaxed, giving my most sympathetic look.

"He offered me a ride home. I don't have a car and I usually walk to and from school."

"So you got in his car, is that right?"

"Right."

"He didn't force you in?"

"Yes! I told you I had to see the doctors that day. I wasn't feeling well and a ride home sounded good."

"Calm down, Cory. I have to ask you these questions." I gave her a soft look. "Now, what happened? Where did you go?"

"I don't know. It was dark. I told him how to get to my place, but he didn't turn." Her voice raises, "He didn't turn when I told him to. He skipped my road and kept driving. Faster. He drove so fast. I tried to open up the door but it wouldn't unlock. Then. Then he raped me. I think we were in the woods or some park or something! There was grass and trees. He hurt me."

I continue questioning Cory, trying to gather all the information I could. This man needs to be caught before he rapes any other students!

Elliot walks in with a troubled look on his face. I want to ask him what's wrong, but now is not the time. He has some folders in his hands and gives me the 'we got something you need to see' look.

"Who is he?" Cory asks fearfully. It's normal for rape victims to be nervous, especially around the species that raped them.

"It's okay," I assure her. "This is my partner, Elliot Stabler."

"Oh. Did you find him?" she asks.

"We're having someone bring him in for questioning now." Elliot nodded.

"I'll be back in a minute." I tell Cory and walk outside with Elliot.

"What is it?" I ask once the door is shut.

"Well, we talked to some of the students on campus and they say Cory and the professor were dating."

"Of course, they would think that! Cory says he flirted with her all the time and you know how people easily misunderstand these sorts of things."

"Liv, don't get me wrong," Elliot shrugs, "I do think there's something up with this professor. I have a daughter in college, you know? I'm taking this very seriously. I'm not ready to side with the rapist just because of some he said she said. I'm just letting you know the what word is on campus"

I nod, calming myself down. "Good."

"She's lying" Geroe walks up behind us.

I spin around, "What do you mean? That girl is traumatized. She's afraid!"

"She's afraid, I'll grant you that. But she's not afraid of what you think. She's afraid of getting caught in a lie."

"I don't believe that." I say curtly.

"Just look at her body language -" he began, but I cut him off.

"So you got the professor coming in for questioning?" I ask Elliot and he nodded. His face was confused and annoyed.

Professor August McGraw was a man in his mid-thirties. He has the brightest blue eyes I have ever seen; they remind me of the sky or a Siberian Husky. Once the bedazzlement wears off, I take a seat in front of him and search my mind for the standard questions. I still find myself wrapped up in his beauty. He has long and wavy red hair, pale skin with freckles, and a large body build. "Hello, Professor McGraw," I say casually. "You know why you're here today?"

Elliot stands next to me rather than sitting. He nods his head in greeting to the professor.

"Apparently, Cory Anne Pearson," he spits her name out like it's a bitter thing in his mouth, "says I have raped her."

"Did you?" Elliot asks harshly.

McGraw shakes his head, "No. I'll tell you what happened. This will kill my wife, but I think if I lie for her sake, things will end up much worse. You see, Cory Anne and myself were a couple. I know that's a big line I crossed, being her teacher and all, but I did care about her."

"You do realize it's against the law to -" Elliot began.

McGraw sighed and nodded his head, "Yes, sir, I do. I realize that I wont be teaching anymore. However, I rather lose my job and possibly my wife than possibly live my life in prison."

"So where were you at 8:15 PM last night?" I ask sharply. I don't believe him.

"I was with Cory Anne. Not a very great alibi, no doubt. She skipped my class, because she had to see her doctor. We scheduled a date for later in the evening though, so she came by the school and I drove her to a small park outside of New York." He says so casually that it makes me sick.

"Did you have intercourse with her?" I ask.

He smiles sadly, "I did." McGraw grabs his wedding ring and slips it off his finger. "This doesn't mean much does it?" he holds it up in front of Elliot and me.

My stomach flipped around, because I knew exactly what it meant to Elliot. It meant the same thing to Elliot as it meant to this man. I walk out of the room and leave Elliot to finish questioning the rapist.

"He confessed?" George asks shocked. His head behind some papers when I walked out. He was now peering over them with wide eyes.

"No. Maybe you're right. Maybe she is lying, but why?"

"They were invovled, though, right?"

I nod, "So he says."

"Well, maybe she was sick of being the other woman. Maybe she wanted to come clean about the whole thing. And, maybe last night was his chance to agree to. Those wounds she has, could easily be self inflicted. Or maybe she had someone help beat her up, who knows! But what _I do _know is that, she wasn't raped. And maybe, when he told her no, she decided she'd ruin his life in the worse way possible."

My heart races and my head begins to pound as anger boils over the limit and I run into the room where Cory is waiting. I slam the door shut. "Cory _Anne_, why did you do it, huh? You know I meet a lot of girls in this job who have _really_ been raped. Why'd you lie?"

Her eyes were wide and amused. "I don't know what you mean."

"I think you do." I cool myself down. I really should've waited for more evidence and Elliot to come questioning Cory again, but, I need to understand this.

She breaks down now. "Do you know what it's like?" I can't believe how easily she caved. She is going to admit this and all I had to do was accuse her with the truth. That hardly ever works. "To love a man you have to share?"

Yes I do. "Why don't you tell me about it." I suggest.

"I love him so much, but it made me sick what I was doing. I felt gross. I showered for five hours after our dates. If you could call them dates," she rolled her eyes, "More like orgasm meetings."

I cringed. I knew what she meant. It starts off with a kiss and then it leads to sin...but there's never any inbetween like most relationships. No roses, no movies, no holding hands. "Go on," I encourage.

"Well, I couldn't do it anymore. Either he broke up with his wife or...or I would make him feel gross like me."

I want to hate Cory, I really do. But how can I hate someone who is so much like me? Too much like me. She described my feelings about Elliot as if we were sharing the same heart.

We had our confession, but not the one we expected. When I finally got off work, Elliot and I had an orgasm meeting, as Cory so cleverly called them.

I let him strip me of my clothes and whatever dignity I might have left. I fell onto the bed, but I felt 'gross'. Pleasure, no matter how great the amount, could not take away the pain that's eating me alive. And as if on schedule, Elliot's phone rings; a call from Kathy letting him know this meeting is over.

"Why don't you stay." I suggest; a little hopeful.

"You know I can't."

"No, Elliot, you can." I cry, "you just don't want to."


	4. Chapter 4

AN: This chapter may seem a bit confusing when it comes to Olivia, but all will be explained in her POV in the next chapter. Beta read by Tommys my 21. SO SORRY for the late update.

"_**I've known about you for awhile now. When he leaves me, he wears a smile now. As soon as he's away from me, in your arms is where he wants to be"**_

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I just finish printing the last of the invitations for Dickie and Elizabeth's birthday party. I had to make separate ones for each of them. They are celebrating their birthday parties on different days; Elizabeth wanted a _Hannah Montana_ themed birthday party, while Dickie wanted a mystery party. Elliot walks in and examines in the invitations and takes one from the desk. "You're inviting Olivia?" he asks.

I smile at his shock, "Of course. Is there any reason I shouldn't?"

His face tenses up into a forced smile, "No. I just don't know if she'll be able to come. She's been pretty busy lately"

Alas, another clue. For five days now Elliot has been coming home on time. I don't have to call him and remind him of my existence for him to return. Did Olivia give up on him? Or whoever the girl is? Or was it all in my head?

"Well, if she can come, just let her know its a murder mystery party. Gifts not required but participation in the game is."

"When is it, again?" Elliot asks.

"Next week. The date is on the card." I say as Elliot starts grabbing his jacket. He's going to leave for work now.

_**

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**__**Next Week**_

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I handled the cards which told each person who they were and what role they played in the mystery murder party. I decided it would be best to have one of the adults be murdered, because I wanted all the children to be able to participate in the game. And I decided to have the true murderer be an adult as well. The rest of the character cards were handed out randomly to the children. So, guess who dies?

That's right, my husband. In this game he doesn't go by the name Elliot of course. He is the late Edward C. Rochester who is a multi millionaire. He dies of arsenic poisoning which is put in his tea. Of course, the arsenic poisoning isn't real. He was just drinking tea with sugar when he played dead.

I watch as Olivia reads her card and her eyes grow wide. I walk up to her. "It's okay. I would have been the killer, but I really have to finish baking cookies."

She composes her terrified looking face and says, "Of course. No offense taken or anything."

Her face was the last clue I needed for my own little investigation. Her card not only said she was the murderer of Edward C. Rochester aka my husband, but his mistress. That little bit of fictional information would have seemed innocent or harmless to someone who was just playing a game. But Olivia saw the hidden message; that I knew it was her. Of course, I wasn't a hundred percent sure until now.

I let the children play their game and slip into the kitchen for a few moments. I really did have cookies to finish cooking. I open up the oven and take out the finished batch and replace it with a new one. Elliot comes in. "I know I'm dead and all, but can I have a cookie?"

His question wasn't flirtatious or begging, but just empty and hungry. I hand him a cookie without saying a word.

"Dad!" Dickie's voice screeches, "You're supposed to be dead!"

"Well, I'm undead right now."

Dickie rolled his eyes and leaves the room, snatching a few cookies himself.

I place the cookies on a big plate and bring it out to the living room. I see Elizabeth questioning Olivia. "So, how did you know this victim, Edward Rochester?"

Olivia face turns red. "We were friends."

Friends my ass. She was sleeping with him. Inside and outside of this game.

Teenagers and kids come running up for cookies. One of them asks me some questions as if I'm the killer, and to play my role, I start crying. "How could I possibly kill my own husband?"

I'm surprised I actual manage some real tears and a convincing voice. Hey. maybe I'm not that bad at acting. Well, of course I'm not that bad at it. All my friends and family, save Kathleen and Elliot, are convinced I'm the happiest person there is.

Everyone looks at me as I play out my role, while my dead husband is in the kitchen eating cookies, except for Olivia. Her eyes are down and I think I see a tear rolling down her cheek. I almost feel guilty. Like I'm the bad one here, intentionally hurting her. But why shouldn't I? If all my suspicions are correct, which I now know they are, why shouldn't I?

Before I know it, Olivia's body slams into mine. I feel sick; almost as sick as when Elliot accidentally touches me shoulder or my hands. "Are you okay?" I manage to ask.

She looks at me. Her eyes are bloodshot and she looks as pale as a ghost. "No. Where's you're restroom?" she asks.

"Down the hall and to the right." I say, "Are you sure you're okay?"

She covers her mouth and runs down the hall.

"Hope its not the cookies," One of the older boys say as he takes another cookie off my plate.

"She didn't have any," I assure him.

As soon as the plate empties I head back to the kitchen. When I leave some of the teenagers are playing video games having lost interest in the murder mystery. The younger ones seem to be taking it more seriously, still questioning each other. "You had every reason to murder Edward," I hear a child saying to Dickie. The conversation fades as I walk farther into the kitchen.

"Olivia is sick." I tell Elliot.

His head perks up and he looks at me with wide eyes, "What do you mean?"

"I don't know what's wrong. She just got pale as a ghost and rushed to the bathroom. I think she's throwing up. Maybe you should go check on her."


	5. Chapter 5

AN: This chapter has quite a few references (even subtle ones) to Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontte. So yeah. I don't own that.

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"_**Oh, shouldn't I lose my temper? Oh, shouldn't I be ashamed? Cause I have everything to lose. And I have nothing to gain"**_

I slam the restroom door behind me and fall down onto the ground; the cold linoleum grounding me to reality. I've never felt so sick with myself -- why the hell did I come here? Am I really such a masochist? I thought that maybe if I came here, if I forced myself to see Elliot's real life in action, I could gain self control and stay true to my word; the choice I made Elliot make. He chose to leave me and go home to his wife, which meant I wasn't going to play the role of the other woman anymore. I couldn't escape that role, though. No. Because when I opened the card which defined who I was at this mystery murder party I read that I was the killer, but also I was the mistress. I knew a flicker of fear crossed my eyes when I read that. Could Kathy really know? Did he tell her? If not, I hope she didn't look too much into my reaction.

My stomach flips again and I throw my face toward the toilet. I try to breathe and calm myself down, but that's impossible. I can feel my breakfast surfacing and to make this pass more quickly, I purge. The smell is horrid and I quickly flush the toilet. While the toilet water is still spinning down, I hear a knock on the door. "Someone's in here," I say.

"It's okay." Elliot opens the door. I must have forgot to lock it. "It's me." He slips in quickly and shuts the door behind him.

I ignore his presence and steal some toilet paper to wipe my mouth dry. "Do you have any mouthwash I can use?"

Elliot tilts his head at me like a confused puppy. "You just threw up." He states this like he just discovered something important.

"No shit, Sherlock." I roll my eyes. "Mouthwash?"

He opens up the medicine cabinet and hands me some children's _Act_ mouthwash. I shake my head, "That's bubblegum flavor. If anything it will make me sick again."

I lean across him and snatch some mint mouthwash. My stomach seems to have calmed, but I really want my mouth to taste and smell fresh.

"You're on the pill, right?" He asks.

I finish gargling the mouthwash, spit it out, and answer, "What does that have to do with anything?"

He just stares at me for an answer. It takes me a moment, but I realize what he means. "No, I'm not pregnant."

"Are you sure?" The way he asks it pisses me off. Just the tone of his voice; its the same as when he's interrogating a rape suspect.

"Would you like to see my tampon, Detective Stabler?"

His face twists into a look of disgust. "No. I just wasn't sure..."

"Well, now you are."

"So, what's wrong?"

"I thought this would help me, Elliot, let go of you." I explain. My voice is scratchy from the pain of purging. "Just being here though, I felt so sick with myself. Speaking of which, I think _she_ knows."

"What?" He explodes in a whisper, "Did you tell her?"

"No. But she put me as your mistress on this." I pull out the card from my purse.

Elliot looks at the card and rolls his eyes. "That doesn't mean anything"

After I convinced Elliot I was perfectly fine, I decided to rejoin the party. I wanted to leave, but that might give Kathy all the more reason to suspect something is going on. I sat down, answered kids questions, and then finally I slipped a teenage boy 20 bucks to accuse me of the murder, so I could go home.

Now, I am on my way out to the car. Kathleen grabs my arm. "Kathleen?"

Kathleen had been hiding out in her room during the party.

"I know." She said.

"Know what?" My heart bangs inside my chest with fear.

"That you've been sleeping with my Dad. And I get it. I see all the reasons you're attracted to him, but that doesn't excuse what you're doing. Do you know how upset my mother has been? How hard I have to try to keep her happy? How much the twins miss their father? Please, don't ruin my family."

My eyes are burning with tears and my heart shatters. "You don't have to worry anymore." I choke out, "It's over. It's been over."

"Good."

"I'm really sorry."

It was dumb, but I expected Kathleen to say 'its okay' or 'I forgive you'. I need to be forgiven so badly, because I feel so gross. I feel so guilty. And worse of all, _alone._ Kathleen didn't apologize to me, but she gave me a warning look. It was the same kind of look a mother gives her child when the child is doing something wrong.

I am wrong. Dirty, terrible, and wrong. I had to let go of Elliot. There was no way we could ever be. Even if he did divorce Kathy. It's sad, because we both love each other, but we can't fit into each other's life under such circumstances. It's crazy that happiness is controlled by such silly things as circumstances.

I'm laying on my own bed, staring at the ceiling. I snatch a book of my night stand; _Jane Eyre_. I find my place in the book and begin reading. Jane's wedding is being crashed when she finds out her almost husband is already married. Even after she sees that the wife is mentally insane, she refuses to be with him. It didn't matter how crazy his wife may be. All that mattered was she would be stealing him. She would be his mistress sleeping with a married man. Jane would not do that. I wish I had been like her when temptation and opportunity presented itself.


	6. Chapter 6

Wow! I am so sorry I haven't updated. Kathy's emotions in this chapter may seem a little vague and not all too detailed. That's how I wanted it to be; in a future chapter she will reflect on the happenings in this one. Besides, I have more fun getting into Olivia's mind than Kathy's! So how did you all like that eppi with Robin Williams? I was on the verge of tears each time Elliot said he wouldn't push the button. Well, enjoy :) Oh, and, thank you _Tommys My 21_ for beta reading. Hugs You are an awesome beta & I love you!

* * *

"_**If you've got a minute I'll buy you a drink. I've got something to say. It might sound crazy but last night in his sleep, I heard him call out your name. This ain't the first time he's done it before. And it's hard to face the truth, I'm the fool in love with the fool, who's still in love with you"**_

* * *

"You don't have to worry anymore." Kathleen says casually.

It's been five days since the twin's birthday party; I had been a nervous wreck since. I finally got my proof that Olivia Benson was the 'other woman'. I was pleased with myself and unbearable sick and angry at the same time. That wasn't the worse of it, though. I started putting pieces together and I was afraid Olivia might be pregnant. What would I do then?

"Mom," Kathleen waved her hands in front of my absent eyes, "did you hear me?"

"Oh, sorry, honey. I was just caught up in this movie." I point to the TV where a Lifetime movie is playing. I have no idea what it's about, though. I'm really not even watching it.

"Well, I said that you don't have to worry anymore."

"Worry? About what?"

"I talked to Olivia for you. She's going to back off of Dad."

My jaw must be touching the floor now. "What do you mean?"

"Oh come on, mother, I'm not as dumb as I may look. I know Dad was cheating on you. You know it too. It's over now. Now we can be a family again."

"Oh, sweetie, you shouldn't have done that. It's not your place to try and fix our marriage."

"Maybe not, but I couldn't stand it any longer."

"This isn't right. We shouldn't be talking about this."

Most mother's probably would have denied to their children that daddy was having an affair. I'm not most mothers. Or maybe I am and just Kathleen isn't like most daughters. She saw what was happening, knew just as much as I did, if not more. She knew it was Olivia, but how? Sure, I had my suspicions and was pretty damn sure, but it could have always been someone else. It didn't have to be Elliot's beautiful partner.

"Mom, I know this is a...messed up thing going on. I wanted it to be over with." Kathleen says. "So are you going to divorce Dad?"

"Even if he still was seeing her -"

"Which he isn't." Kathleen assures me.

"I don't think I have it in my heart to let him go. Is that terrible?"

"You love him." Kathleen says. She didn't answer whether or not it was wrong, because I think we both know the answer isn't what I want to hear.

"Yeah, I do." A few minutes of silence pass and I say to Kathleen, "How do you know Olivia is backing off?"

"I could see it in her eyes. The same way I could see what was happening with you and Dad."

I smile softly, "You're a very perceptive girl, Kathleen. I'll miss you while you're in college."

"Don't worry. I'll be visiting a lot! You won't hardly notice I'm gone!"

_A few months have passed..._

I did notice when Kathleen was gone, but it wasn't all that bad. Of course, I missed my little girl! However, things have been going really well. Elliot seems happy _with me_ and he's actually _here_. Granted, his work keeps him busy. But we've been eating dinner together. Once a week we take the kids to Chuckie Cheese or to Central Park. Everything is like it used to be.

That was, until 4:15 AM on a Friday night. I heard him whisper her name in his sleep. _"Olivia_," he moaned, _"Please don't go. I love you."_ . It scared me just how coherent his words were. Whatever was going on in the realm of his subconcious, it was vivid. I tried to ignore it, but it happened again. And again. And again. Until I could no longer ignore it.

I thought of how Kathleen talked to Olivia. Why didn't I do that? Why did I just play games? I should have confronted her head on. I was just too afraid.

I'm not afraid anymore though. That's why I'm here at a classy little restaurant, waiting for Olivia to meet me. When she finally arrives I ask her to sit down and order us two glasses of wine. "I had to talk to you," tell her. "I'm really sorry."

"What is it?"

It was obvious she was trying hard to control her facial features and her voice. She was trying so hard to remain cool. So was I.

"I need to know, is it really over between you two?"

There was no need to explain my question. We both knew why we were here. To talk about _him._

"Yes, it is." She says coolly.

"He still loves you, then." I say, "He whispered your name last night. And every night before..."

Olivia's eyes grew wide and then sad. She doesn't say anything though, so I continue. "He's going to try to come back to you, I know it. He's thinking about you too much. I need to know, are you going to be with him again? I need to know if you can say 'no'? Please, my happiness and my family's happiness is in your hands."

Olivia's perfect mask was lost and she was now crying. "I can't be with him anymore."

"I know he loves you, but I love him. I'm not ready to lose him yet..."

"Don't worry," Olivia regains composure, "nothing like that will ever happen again. I made a terrible mistake then, and I am truly sorry for whatever pain I caused you and your family."

"Thank you."


	7. Chapter 7

I know for each chapter I've had song lyrics, but for this one, I felt like quoting from the book _New Moon_ by Stephenie Meyer. Obviously, I do not own that. Beta read by Tommys My 21.

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"_**Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches likes the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me." - Bella, New Moon - Stephenie Meyer**_

* * *

When Kathy called me yesterday, I don't really know what I thought. I knew accepting her invitation to talk was something I _had_ to do. After all the stupid things I have done and the pain I have afflicted, this is the most I can do; agreeing to something Kathy wants. I know she wanted to talk about Elliot. About my mistake. I expected her to be angry with me. I thought she wanted to yell at me and call me a whore. But she didn't.

Instead of doing all the things I deserved, Kathy behaved very civil. She told me that she needed to know whether or not I was going to let Elliot back into my life. Whether or not I was going to be his lover again. The answer was an obvious no. I didn't think about Elliot like that anymore. After much training, I convinced myself that my feelings for Elliot were just an illusion of the heart. It wasn't real. Then Kathy said he's been calling out my name. I wont deny it, my heart leaped right out of my chest, in search for the loving arms I've been secretly craving. The only thing that drew me back to reality was the pain in Kathy's eyes. I couldn't do it. No. I can't go there again.

She is getting up from her seat now and paying the bill. "Kathy, wait."

She had told me that he still loves me. I wanted to believe that so badly, but my mind knew better. "He doesn't love me. He may _think_ he does, but he doesn't. He loves you!" My voice starts to crack a little, but I force myself on. "If he really loved me --" I stop myself. _If he really loved me, he wouldn't have done this to me. He wouldn't have let this situation grow and get so out of hand. _

"I don't care whether he loves you or me." Kathy's voice is cold and her eyes lost somewhere in a place I've never been.

I want to argue with her and tell her that she should care. That he does love her, and I'm not lying. It's like we're teenagers, convincing each other that the other is more perfect, more skinny, more beautiful, more loved...because we keep putting ourselves down.

"Please, believe me Kathy, it does matter. He does love you."

"I'm not going to sit here and fight who my husband loves." Kathy bites down on her lip. She seems to be losing control.

This may appear to be a friendly situation from someone on the outside, but the tension and the anger was present. It may not have been visible, but you could feel it. Kathy could deck me at any time and I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised.

"Thank you for listening to me," Kathy says, "and I hope I can trust you."

_November _

Time is the most amazing, complicated, scary, and painful thing in the world. It's amazing because we _have_ it. Without it, I would not exist. I would have _no_ time to enjoy a cup of coffee, smell the flowers, and live life to the fullest. It is complicated because it's like it's alive; a creature, a clock filled with a living spirit and that spirit isn't nice. When I was young or even when I am happy there never seems to be enough time. When I'm not happy, there is way too much time. It's scary because eventually it runs out. What happens then? And finally, it's painful because with time, there comes tragedy. Everyone must experience at least one bad tragedy in their lifetime. I've had quite a few.

It's been a long time since Elliot's looked at me with _those_ eyes. I can't really explain the look, because it's not one with a label. It's the one that he gave me before we had our affair. The one that said _I love you_, and so many other things in just one second. The look that made my heart freeze and time stop. Everything became motionless with that look. Now it no longer exist.

There's still tension between Elliot and I, but it's better. I can stomach seeing him and it's almost as if this whole thing never happened. It hurts still. It will always hurt, but I rather suffer than become numb. Time heals all wounds they say -- I'm not sure if it offers a full recovery, but I have healed some.

Elliot and I will never be friends like we were. We are just partners with a history. No more and no less.

"Kathleen is coming home for the holidays. Maureen too." Elliot tries some small talk with me.

I'm sitting at the desk, going through files about our latest rape victim. Supposedly, she has accused five different men of rape within the last five years. Each man has a high social status.

"That's nice." I tell Elliot.

"What are you doing for the holidays?"

"Nothing much." I say coolly.

More than likely, I will be meeting up with Ben & Jerry. I get extra lonely during the holidays; it reminds me of all that I don't have. All that I want.

"Oh."

"What a vocabulary you have there, Detective." I smirk, shake my head, and look back down at my work.

"So," I say finally. "I think our girl may be lying."

Elliot grabs the files and starts reading them.

Eventually, the day is gone. My heart is aching and my head is pounding. I am now laying in my bed, crying myself to sleep. I know its pathetic to drown in self pity, but what else can I do? I know. I know. Life is what you make it and I can change this all around. I can be happy. I just don't want to be. I want to be sad for awhile. Is that so wrong?

I hug on tight to my pillow. I wish it were a person I was holding. Someone soaking up all my pain. But it's not. The cold, hard truth is: I am alone.

What do I have to thank God for --or just general thanks to no one-- this year?


	8. Chapter 8

Can you guys ever forgive me for not updating? If so, thankyou! This was beta'd, of course, by Tommys My 21. The song lyrics below are from "Halleluja" by Jeff Buckley. Great song, by the way.

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"_**Maybe there's a God above, but all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya. And it's not a cry that you hear at night. It's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"**_

* * *

I've heard so many stories about women sticking with their man through thick and thin. Stand by their side and all that crap. I used to think that was so ridiculous and that those women are weak. I don't know if I consider myself weak, but I know that I've become something I used to despise. Oddly enough, I am happy.

There's still suspicions and worries, but they are rare. Each passing month, things are getting better. It's going to be Thanksgiving tomorrow, and it's already looking like we will have a good Christmas. Maureen came in earlier this week and Kathleen will be here today. I'm in the kitchen with Maureen cooking and preparing everything for tomorrow.

"It's so nice to be home!" Maureen smiles.

"Really?" I ask.

"Yeah. Don't get me wrong, mom, it was fun to be out on my own...but it was hard! For the first time I really had to think for myself. I didn't have you or dad to fall back on."

"But you did well." I point out.

"True." Maureen grabs some celery out of the fridge and starts chopping it up to put in the stuffing.

"How do you think Kathleen has been managing?" I ask.

"Good. She emailed me last night. She seems really happy."

"That's good."

Everything was going smoothly. With the help of Maureen, I managed to keep anything from catching on fire. It was evening when I finally started working on the pies. Pumpkin pie can be a pain to cook! If this doesn't turn out right, I'm going to have Elliot pick one up at the market.

"I'm home!" I hear the voice I've been waiting all day for.

I rush out of the kitchen and to her voice. Next to Kathleen is her father, carrying all her luggage. I wrap Kathleen in my arms. "I missed you so much, sweetie!"

"Air. Need." Kathleen teases and pushes me off lightly.

"Sorry! So, how are you? How was college? How are your classes going? And -"

"Woah, mom! Chill! We have more than just _now _to talk about everything." She hugs me and then reaches for some of her luggage. "I'm going to put some of this stuff away, take a shower, and then we can talk over a cup of coffee."

"Over a cup of coffee?" I laugh.

"I'm suffering from major jet lag and a flu,"

I made us girls mocha cappuccinos and lit a fire up in the living room. I'm sipping my coffee, while Kathleen is gulping hers.

"So, have you decided what you want to be?"

"Well, I have been taking a variety of classes. Testing out the waters...and I think I want to be a prosecutor."

"Really?" Maureen and I say at the same time.

"I know that may not seem like _me_, but I want to make a difference in this world. And that job, I can stop bad people. Like how Dad does."

I nod, "That's good, Kathleen!"

"Very good." Maureen chimes in.

"_And_ I met this boy." Kathleen's cheeks go red.

"And?" Maureen and I both speak at the same time again.

"His name is Ray. He's studying to become a lawyer."

"And you're dating?" I ask.

"Yeah. For the first time in my life, I think I have a plan. A real life ahead of me."

"That's good," I smile and then look down to hide my tears.

I wasn't sad, but happy. I don't usually cry when I'm happy, but I can't control it. With my eyes cast downward, I see something. Bruises on Kathleen's legs. "Where'd you get those?"

"Huh?"

I look up at her eyes, "Those bruises on your legs."

"Oh, I don't know. I noticed them two days ago, though. I must've bumped into something and just can't remember it."

"So, did I hear right?" Elliot enters the room. "Does my daughter want to become a prosecutor?"

It's these little moments I love the most. All of us smiling, happy, and forgetting every bad thing that's happened.

The next day came fast, but I was already prepared. Most of the dishes I made yesterday and were ready to heat up and serve. Guests were coming by in just a few short hours. I had nearly everything on prepared. Everything went by in a blur and before I knew it, the guests were here. Everyone took hold of hands and we began to pray. My father took lead, "Heavenly Father, we ask that you bless this meal we are about to eat. We also would like to thank you for _all_ the blessings you have given us, even though we do not deserve it. I want to thank you for my beautiful, healthy grandchildren. I thank you for guiding them and leading them on a path to a successful life."

After my father's pause, I decide to enter the prayer. "And Lord, thank you for keeping our family together through thick and thin". I could feel Elliot tighten his grip on my wrist and Kathleen, who was sitting on my right, loosen her grip. "We pay to you in your Son's name, Amen."

I open my eyes and let go of Kathleen and Elliot's hands -- or at least try to. Elliot's hand slipped away, but not Kathleen's. I move my hand with more force and her hand just falls from mine. I looked up at her to see what was wrong, but her eyes still closed. "Sweetie," I whisper, "the prayer is over."

Nothing. "Kathleen, are you okay?"

Nothing. People say when something like this happen, time stops. I'm not sure if time stops, but it does malfunction. Some things are happening too fast and some things are happening too slow. Everything is in a blur and I can't keep up. Elliot is checking Kathleen's pulse, I think. Someone is saying 'call an ambulance'. And someone is touching my shoulder. But in a way, things are happening slowly. Why isn't an ambulance here yet? Why is somebody still on the phone? Why is everything taking so long?

Why isn't Kathleen waking up? What is happening? Is she alive? Have I -- no, I refuse to think it.

I hear a distant voice calling me name, and I wonder if it isn't Kathleen calling me from some other plane. Or perhaps I am dreaming all of this and the voice calling me is from reality, asking me to wake up. I make out the words 'are you okay?'. Does it matter? My daughter is lying lifeless on the floor. Who gives a damn if I'm okay?

I hear someone say the ambulance is on their way. I shift my eyes away from Kathleen for a moment, but they are pulled back in an instant, as if she is a magnet I can't pull myself away from. My body is shaking and I think there may be an earthquake. Is it the end of the world.

I hear sirens, but you always hear sirens in New York. I thought of all the sirens I heard in my time here and never gave any thought to...but they were the cries of death, of souls in danger, of people in pain. Why didn't I give them any notice? Why didn't I stop and say a prayer each time I heard this sirens? It gets louder, and I hear knocking on the door. My body has stopped shaking...the earthquake must be over. Men and women run through my house, and place their hands on Kathleen. Checking her pulse. Her blood pressure. Lifting her up on that yellow board...taking her away from me.

When I finally gain my senses, Elliot tells me we need to go into the car and follow the ambulance. I nod, grab my purse, and follow him into the car. Maureen takes the other card with the kids.

I arrive at the ER with my heart missing. I feel so empty inside. I'm cold, and shivering. Why do they keep these places so cold? I ask a nurse for a blanket and she says they don't have any. How can a freezing hospital not have any of those warm blankets?

Elliot has been talking with the doctor since we got here only five minutes. I was holding Maureen, trying to comfort her.

"She's awake now, and going to be fine," He says, "She just passed out."

"But, why, why did she pass out?"

My heart is working, my brain is getting oxygen, and everything seems to clear up a bit.

"The doctor doesn't know yet. He says it could be something as simple as dehydration. Or something more complicated, and that he wont know until her blood results are back."

"Can we see her?" I ask.

"Yeah. She's in room 20."

Elliot and I walk to Kathleen's room. She is laying on the bed with the TV on and a sad look on her face. "Sorry for ruining Thanksgiving. I should know better to drink more fluids when you have the flu."

"Don't worry about that. Once we get you hydrated, rested up, and feeling better, we'll have our Thanksgiving."

"Thanks. I bet I gave you guys quite a scare."

We continue to talk and wait for the doctor to come back. Thirty minutes later he does.

"Well, I have your blood results back. Your white blood cell count is out of range; now this could be nothing or it could be something. I would like to keep your over night and due further testing. Due to the bruises on your leg, I suspect you have a Leukemia. We'll be doing a test on your bone marrow tonight."

There it goes again...time malfunctioning.


	9. Chapter 9

"_Now that I have seen, I am responsible."_

* * *

It's a painful and terrible thing hearing your partner's -the man you still love- daughter has been diagnosed with Leukemia, and will die unless she receives a bone marrow transplant. Munch whispered the news to me when I came into the office.

"I swear, if it wasn't for all the horrible poisons and things our government has done, this wouldn't be happening to Kathleen. Do you ever wonder where these diseases come from? I'll tell you," Munch rambled, until I had to tune him out.

When I got away, I grabbed my cell phone and called Elliot. "I just heard." I say, before he gets a chance to finish saying hello, "How is she doing? How is everyone doing?"

"Kathleen is undergoing chemo and radiation until they can find a bone marrow match. We've all been tested, but none of us are matches. Which is odd, because siblings usually are. Anyway, she's been entered into the donor registry, and they're looking the best they can for a match. As for the family, we're all really tired. None of us have left the hospital for more then three hours."

"Oh, Elliot..." I say, not sure of what else to add. I don't think there's any comfort I can give him.

"You know, it annoys me because I know someone out there is a match, they just haven't registered to be a donor."

"So, anyone could be a match?" I ask.

"The chances aren't good, but _someone_ out there could be a match."

"What hospital are you at? Where do I go to be tested?"

If there's even a small chance I could help, it's worth finding out. I doubt I'll be a match, but you never know, and I suppose that is enough to find out. Elliot seems surprised, but in a dull voice he explains which hospital they're at, and tells me where to check in and that he will call Kathleen's doctor and tell him that I want to be tested.

Without a moments notice, I leave the building and get into my car. I drive like a maniac, weaving in and out of traffic, finding my way to the hospital. I march in and go were Elliot told me too, that is when I see Kathy and Maureen. Both of their hairs are matted and eyes stained with tears. They look like zombies. "I'm...I came.." I say, when Kathy notices me.

"I know." She says bitterly, "Elliot told me."

"We appreciate it." Maureen smiles genuinely. "If only we could get everyone in New York City to do this."

"The insurance doesn't cover that, Maureen. It's already going to cost us an arm and a leg for _her_ to be tested, and you know the chances are slim."

Now, I didn't know this. Elliot didn't say that it was going to cost him money to have me tested, and since the chances are slim -- why is he even bothering? But maybe it was because of the _if_ factor, and I was willing.

I smile half-heartedly at Maureen. "Well, I guess I better go speak to the doctor."

I'm asked various questions about my health and other factors, then I am sent for testing. They took my blood and told me what a great thing I am doing, and asked if I'd liked to be entered into the registry as a donor. I never thought of this before, but I said yes. If I can't save Kathleen, maybe I could help somebody else. I was told it would take awhile for the results to come back, and I will get a call if I am a match.

Days have gone by, and I was almost certain I was not a match. Elliot has taken a temporary leave from work, leaving me to be paired up with a new partner. I do my job, but with less energy than usual. On Friday, I get a phone call.

"I can't believe this!" A familiar voice said, but I couldn't place it. "This is Dr. Reynolds, Kathleen's doctor. I'll be honest, I thought it was really silly for you to come in and be tested specifically for her. Sure, I think it's great that people want to help and I recommend anyone who can to become a donor, but I know how wasteful it can be to test people outside the family. It's really hard to find a match that way. But you, _you_ are a match, Olivia. We'll have to do further tests, of course, but I'm pretty sure your bone marrow can help save that girls life."

I am crying now. I've never been so happy in my entire life. Maybe this is why I was sent into Elliot's life, to save his daughter. I don't know. It's nice to think about it that way, though. People say everything happens for a reason, and I'm starting to believe that. Dr. Reynolds schedules for me to come in for more testing.

The further testing proved I am an exact match. Everyone is surprised, and I feel thankful. I almost backed out of this all when I heard Elliot was going to have to pay for this out of his own pocket. But Maureen seemed so hopeful, and there's that _what if_ that kept me going. I am so relieved that I did this.

The pain, which is great, is worth it. I've never been so sore, but I know that is nothing compared to what would have happened to Kathleen. So through my tears, I smile. I smile because something good has come out of this whole mess.

* * *

**So I hope this chapter didn't seem to unbelievable. What with Olivia rushing off to be tested, but she wanted to help. And Elliot was going to accept any help he could get. Even if it costed him, because of that what if factor. Olivia didn't know the procedures, but when she was there, she couldn't say no. And by some miracle she was a match. Make sense? Anyway, next chapter ya'll should like. We're getting close to the end. Oh, and sorry for not posting this! Anyway, this was beta'd by Tommys My 21 :)**


	10. Chapter 10

Ack, I actually had this ready to post a week or so ago and then forgot to do it. I'm stupid sometimes, lol, what are you gonna do about it? Anyway I just realize its been MONTHS since I last updated this. I'm sorry, but life's been crazy. Hopefully I'll keep updating on a regular basis. If not feel free to yell at me in a review, telling me that if I can read my email I'm quite capable of typing an update. Lyrics below are by A Perfect Circle.

* * *

_'Little angel, go away. Come again some other day. The devil has my ear today, I'll never hear a word you say'_

**Weak and Powerless**

Imagine if you will your own daughter trapped inside a car that's about to explode. You're right there, but you just can't break her out of there. And then some other woman comes along with the strength and smarts to get your daughter out. Sure, you're grateful, but you feel kind of powerless too. That's how I feel right now. I couldn't save my daughter from this cancer that was trying to take her life, but someone else could. Olivia, the woman who has destroyed my life so much already, she could save my daughter.

I was so happy that we had found a match, but I was beyond depressed that I couldn't have been the one to help her. I feel like I'm no longer needed here. Olivia could be the perfect wife to Elliot and obviously a better mother to my children. She's so much better than I am and that hurts in ways I can't even describe. This pain, this sense of worthlessness is so powerful that I almost consider taking my life.

I'm not kidding, I literally had pills laid out on my nightstand trying to decide which combination would be the most lethal. I had a knife pressed close to my wrist for a whole ten minutes before I pulled it away without cutting myself. I even pressed my lips up against an open bottle of anti-freeze, but I couldn't bring myself to drink it. It's like I don't even have the guts to kill myself. Kind of funny when you think about it.

I just can't do anything right.

This deep pain got even worse as the week progressed. See, I guess having someone give you a piece of their body so you can live, is like cause for bonding. Kathleen and Olivia are so close now, they remind me of sisters. I swear, Olivia comes in every day to check to see how _my _daughter is doing. The two even have this little vacation planned, just the two of them, for when Kathleen gets better. I know Kathleen is old enough to make her own choices, but I really wished she'd of asked me if this was okay. Not that I would deny her anything --- not in her condition. It wouldn't be fair. Still, it's the principle.

After Olivia has left, I go inside to visit Kathleen. I'm wearing a mask and am dressed up like a doctor in the midst of a plague. Kathleen can't afford to get sick right now, so we all have to be very careful. When I come inside, Kathleen has a sad smile on her face. "I told you this before I left for college, but I feel like I should tell you again. You don't have to worry about Liv anymore, Mom."

"Excuse me?" I ask.

"We talked about the affair and everything and how she feels now…and that she'll never do anything to break this family apart. She's really sorry mom. And I believe her. At first, I was mad…like how could that woman do those things with Dad, you know? But I think about the mistakes I've made and everything that's happened…and life's too short to hold grudges. It's going to be okay, Mom. I promise."

"That's all very well, Kathleen, but you're not me and you don't know how it feels to have another woman sleeping with your husband."

"Mom, she _saved my life_. Aren't you grateful to her for that?"

"That has nothing to do with it. And quite frankly, it disturbs me that she's been talking to you about this. You're not her daughter and frankly it's very inappropriate."

"Despite what you may believe, Mom, I'm a big girl now…and after coming this close to death, I see things differently. I by no means condone what Olivia did to us, but I also see things the way she does now, and she's hurting Mom. She's really hurting, and she needs to be forgiven."

"You really forgive her then?"

"Yes. I really do."

I nod and act like I understand what my daughter is saying, but I don't. I can't bring myself to forgive Olivia. I just can't. She almost ruined my marriage, and even now things aren't looking to good. I almost half-expect Elliot to come walking in the house any day now with divorce papers.

And then, where would I be?


	11. Chapter 11

I apologize for not updating this story sooner, however, if I thought things were hectic before, boy was I wrong. Mostly, I lost internet and things are a huge struggle financially. Anyways, this will be the final closing chapter. I hope you guys enjoyed the story. And thank you Tommys My 21 for always being there J

"_I know when he's been on your mind, that distant look is in your eyes"_

**One Year Later**

_**Thanksgiving**_

I'd like to tell you that everything ended happily ever after, and all is well in the world. I'd like to say Kathleen is back at college, Elliot and I worked out our differences and there's never any awkward moments, and that Kathy and I are so civil to each other that we might actually become friends. But stories never really have happy endings, do they? Not in real life. So here goes, here's the deal:

Elliot and I are still partners at work, and the awkward moments are less, but they still exist. I still have feelings for him, no matter how far I push them back. But you know what? It's okay. I made a mistake, but nobody's perfect. And I'm moving on. I've been dating, and it really helps keep my heart from feeling things it shouldn't.

Kathleen got better and we went on our little vacation. We had fun. However, Kathleen started feeling sick her first week back at college, and went to the Emergency Room. The cancer came back. This isn't a death sentence, but it certainly isn't a good sign. They say the more the cancer comes back, the harder it is to fight it and the less likely the treatments will work.

Kathy and I don't even see each other, so there's no need to try to be civil. I hear she is doing well, and Kathleen told me that her mom and Elliot are seeking marriage counseling at the Catholic church they attend. I am happy for them, really. I am.

Actually, I am happy in general, because I learned something this year. It's something to be thankful for. I have learned the true meaning of love, and I pray everyone else will learn this too. If I could go back and do things different, I would. If I could go back, I would of told Elliot no, that we cannot do this. We cannot go behind his wives back and do what we did. And when he asks why, my answer would have been simple, "I love you. Because, I love you, Elliot Stabler". Elliot and I, we were both selfish in our actions. Love isn't selfish. Not really. Humans are, yes. But love in itself isn't. I should have expressed my love for Elliot by walking away and not ruining things for him.

Love means sacrificing yourself for that person. Not in a cheesy or cruel way, but instead of wanting what you want….you should want what that person needs. You should want what's good for them. I wish I could have seen that then. I wish Elliot could see it now.

Nonetheless, sometimes when Elliot are alone in a room, I start feeling really sad and lonely. And that's when he says, "I'm sorry.". These moments are rare, but in a twisted and beautiful way, I treasure them. They are filled with so much pain and regret, but also comfort. I know my place will never be with Elliot. And I am so sorry I went somewhere I didn't belong.

"I'm sorry too." I always tell him back. _And I really am. _


End file.
